I do not care anymore. I just don’t. I can’t. I can’t care about the tiny insignificant details that disturb daily life.

Shit always happens.

I found out this past week that my job is going to be taking a huge pay cut in about 6 weeks so I’ve been trying to work as many hours at my current rate to stockpile cash. At least that way, I have a little pillow to land on if I need to switch jobs. I’ll survive on what I’ll be making in 6 weeks but I won’t be comfortable just getting by. That makes me 20 kinds of nervous.

So that’s a huge stress in my life.

The good thing about being released from PT is I get to go back to hitting. The bad thing about being released from PT is I get to go back to hitting. I got beat up on Saturday and I didn’t even play! hahahaha I’m really not sure what happened after a certain point but I know I did get arm-barred (or something) by one of the girls on my team. I ended up staying at Miller’s apartment because there was no fucking way possible I could drive home. Thank god she’s got a crash pad.

I was so freaked out during my 90 minute test to get out of PT on thursday and it still freaks me out because I’m waiting for the pain to really kick in.

Cause that’s what happens, right? The pain ALWAYS kicks in. It has to.

But it’s not and I’m so leery about everything I do.

I had this nagging sense this entire week that I was hurting someone, that I was stepping on eggshells, that I was doing something wrong. But it’s all been ok, and I just have to deal with that.

I’m done trying. I’m done working so hard to find someone that I “belong with” I can’t waste all that time looking when everyone says “if you stop looking, you’ll find her.” That drives me nuts. I’m putting so much work into getting back on track with derby and I really feel like if I try to start something with anyone they’re gonna go bonkers on me.

Oh wait, that already happened.

Imagine that!

The worst part of the situation I’m currently involved in is I saw it coming. I said to this specific girl at the beginning of last week, “prewarning you, this is a bout week so I won’t have much free time… honestly this week doesn’t look promising but after the bout”

Stupidly, I figured that would be enough of a statement for her to understand that I wasn’t available at all last week.

At all. No days free, no nights free, nothing.

Me figuring that statement was enough = dead wrong.

I’m not going to make fun of the situation because that’s wrong but oh my goodness. I’ve had some stressful people in my life before but I’ve never had someone make me have a panic attack after only meeting them one time.

And today, after basically being dragged into 50 different directs a the bout after party(parties), I got read the riot act for “blowing her off.”

This is where I have to interject with my new favorite phrase; “All is fair in love and derby.”

I feel like everyone that I’ve spoken to lately, the last few dates I’ve been on, people say they understand when I say I don’t have a lot of time, but then a week or a month or any amount of time goes by and they’ll see just how much work and time is spent doing derby related things and they bolt.

I have had the “will not date girls that do derby” rule in place since joining in October of 2009 (I may have had my eye stray here and there, but that’s a rule even I can’t break, even if I’m the worst enemy in said situation) but I’m starting to feel like the only way I’m going to be able to please someone time-wise in a relationship is if I date someone within the derby community.

And at the same time, I don’t want a relationship built 100% on derby.

Eh, I don’t know what I want right now, which is why I give up.

Anyway, apart from love and relationship drama that will always be there… I wanted to tell a funny story about my confrontational values.

Now, I’m not sure if it’s all girls I know, or just derby girls + Kat (cause it’s been used more than once between me and Kat), but there seems to be this unwritten rule that if you are uncomfortable in a sitatuion when you’re out, look at me, get my eye contact, make a face that says “HELP” and I’ll be right over to swoop in.

But it ALWAYS happens, and I’m glad to be the helper in said situations.

Anyway, this particular confrontation. So there was a group of skaters at a table in the front of the second (or maybe third?) after party location and one of the skaters boyfriends. They were all talking when this guy came up to one of the girls and said something and she was basically either closed off or uninterested in whatever he was selling. I’m pretty sure she’s into dudes, but I’m not sure. Anyway, I didn’t see any of this, I just caught the “help me” look and went over to help.

The guy came up to me and said something stupid and my comment to him was, “Ok. Now is the. Time. When. YOU. Should. WALK. AWAY.” Giving him a chance to kind of back away from the group with his ego still in tact.

He didn’t get the hint. So I had to look him directly in the eyes and say to him, “I’m. NOT. Going to say it. Again.”

He got the hint that time.

Local annoying individuals of the capital region (and any other region wanting to fuck with skaters): If a girl has on a shirt, or a hat or any kind of merch that says “Roller Derby”… might be a good idea not to piss her off, cause I’m pretty sure there’s one of me in EVERY league.

Just. Saying.

And now… check out a video taken by Ludichris Speed of the girls warming up right before bout time yesterday. Gotta love a fishbowl lense of some of the hottest butts in the league… Must. Buy. Helmet. Camera.