So, in case things weren’t obvious, K and I aren’t together in any sense of the word.
Lots of things have happened between us in the last year, good and bad. We had amazing moments, and horrible fights. She was an amazing person to get to know (stubborn as all hell, but what can you do) and I will definately remember her always.
Now, there are some things happening that have to do with K and that don’t have to do with her, so I want to clear the air.
I am completely single and plan on staying that way for a while.
I’ve quit my job at the gym and I am taking my little nest egg and going to school to become a chef. When I’m done, I’d like to stay in the area, but more than likely I’ll leave.
There have been some family situations that have happened that have a lot to do with the LGBT community and how people are and aren’t “accepting” of it.
Also, I died (come on, this is old news).
Right now, I’m in the middle of a really tough personal training session with a really nice guy, Jay. Yes, a trainer hired a trainer, get over it. He’s got a different style than me and has already taught me a lot. (Gotta love forward posting lol)
My back is still a mess, but it’s slowly getting better.
I don’t hate anyone, I just disagree with their opinions (however ridiculous said opinions are).
I have slowly gone Paleo. It took me two weeks to weed out the gluten but I’m there
I’m in a much better place right now, it’s just going to take time for others to realize that. (I’m sure when they do, they will wish they didn’t desert me when I needed them).
but that’s about it… I’ll go into detail when I get home later tonight (before Krav Maga, I must be nuts for trying that stuff)
Cinema Obscura – a weekly trek through the darker and frequently more random and forgotten regions of Cult, Foreign and Obsure cinema and pretty much everything in between. Each week highlighting a film worth hunting down, for those who like to wander away from the more traveled roads of Mainstream cinema
This week I have decided to make the first of what will be several visits (depending on how this review is recived) to possibly one of the more stanger sub-genres of exploitation cinema known simply as “Bruceploitation”! The genre which proves, that just because your leading man has suddenly died, that it shouldn’t stop you making money off their legacy, by hiring either actors who look like them or using actors with similar sounding names. This however is possibly the most insane Bruceploitation movie I have seen to date, seeing how not only is Bruce in Hell, but also facing off against Zatoichi (The Blind Japanese Swordsman played here by Mei Wong) which might not sound too random, until you find out that he also set to fight James Bond (Alexander Grand), The Godfather (Sin Il Lung), Dracula (His Chang) and Emmanuelle (Jenny), while gaining support from The One Armed Swordsman, Kain (from “Kung-Fu”) and Popeye and yes I mean the same spinach eating sailor that we all know and love as it seemingly sets out to answer the question “Who would win in a fight between Bruce Lee and ……”.
Set after his untimely death, Bruce Lee (Bruce Leong) wakes up to find himself now in the “Underworld”. Having decided to set up a gym to allow him to continue to share his martial arts skills, he soon finds himself under attack from some familiar faces, who are plotting to take over the Underworld, while drawing equally unwanted attention from the King of the Underworld (Tong Ching).
Having thrown plausibility out of the window, director Kei Law takes full advantage of the surreal situation by essentially pushing it as far as he can, as Bruce also fights a bunch of Mummies as well as skeletons, yet still keeping a familiar Kung Fu framework from within which the action unfolds, hence we have Bruce opening a gym, only for it to come under attack with the more traditional rival school here being replaced by a gang of famous pop culture icons. Everything else though is just good old Kung fu right down to it’s quarry based fight scenes.
Leong might not look anything like Bruce Lee, but that doesn’t really matter seeing how in this version of Hell, no one looks like their former selves an idea which basically writes off the fact that no one else looks anything like any one of the pop culture icons they are supposed to be playing and hence why we also get the Asian versions of Clint Eastwood (Kah Wah), Dracula and more interestingly Kain, a role which was originally meant to be played by Bruce Lee. Bruce originally came up for the concept for Kain while he was working on “The Green Hornet” with the plan for the series to be called “The Warrior”. Sadly the idea was stolen by Warner Bros who turned it into “Kung Fu”, so it was especially interesting to see this role, finally being played by an Asian actor. Still Leong does randomly don the “Kato” costume from “The Green Hornet”, but like so much in this film no real explanation is given for it’s appearance here.
The tone of the film is clearly being played for laughs, rather than any kind of seriousness, atleast that’s what I hope Law was aiming for, especially as unlike other Bruceploitation movies which atleast had some element of paying tribute (largely though it was more to do with making as much cash as possible) to Bruce Lee’s legacy and the mystery behind his much discussed untimely death. This film like “The Clones of Bruce Lee” however is a much more surreal kind of film. Still it hard to say that’s not amusing to see Bruce Lee fighting James Bond or a group of skeletons, which essentially resemble a bunch of guys in cheap Halloween costumes.
The alternative argument however is in terms of the tastefulness of releasing a film like this, a few years after Bruce Lee’s death, let alone the fact it opens with Bruce sporting what would appear to be a monster erection, only to then be revealed to be his nunchuck’s (easy mistake to make), much less to have Bruce apologizing reflectively to Linda for his cheating ways. Meanwhile Bruce’s penis does seem to be a source of great interest to the King’s Concubines, which also gives us the great line “When a man’s endowed like Bruce, the girls are bound to want him.”, something which is never revealed even though we do get to see a move called “The Third Leg of Bruce Lee”.
Like so many Kung Fu movies of the 70’s, the moves on display here all come with their own colourful names, none better seen than during the quarry showdown between Bruce and Zatoichi were the names of the moves explode onto the screen in huge white letters, with Bruce’s moves all being named after his films hence we get “Way of the Dragon” & “Enter the Dragon” were as Zatoichi shows us the colorfully named “Blind Dog Pissing”. Still with this quarry setting you’re best getting used to it seeing how nearly every fight takes place here. Still the fight scenes are all enjoyable enough, with Leong fighting with nowhere near the ability of the real Bruce Lee, but certainly with enough skill on show here to make for exciting brawls, even when taking on multiple opponents, while even the usually non martial arts trained of his foes all seem remarkably skilled usually after failing to shoot him at seemingly point blank range!
The soundtrack mainly consists of snippets of the “Enter the Dragon” theme, while we also get a Kung Fu reworking of the James Bond theme, while even more bizarrely the opening strains of Carl Douglas’s “Kung Fu Fighting” also makes an appearance, with seemingly no purpose outside of cramming in another pop culture reference and raising a cheap laugh.
This film is without a doubt one of the craziest films I have seen in a long while and despite having a plot which is beyond implausible, but it atleast sticks with it’s ideas down to it’s insane final showdown which see’s Bruce squaring off against the king of the underworld and his army of mummies, while being backed up by Popeye and the One Armed Swordsman, which is the sort of fight I never fought I would be writing about, yet at the same time reminds just how much fun, can be found in writing about such obscure and random classics such as this, which would be unlikely to be found if I was writing about purely mainstream cinema, as I’ve a feeling that one is going to take some beating to knock it off the top of the weirdness totem pole.
It would seem these days that we judge celebrities more on the scandal they are causing rather than the talent (if any) which got earned them their celebrity status to begin with. This currently seems to be very much the case for Mel Gibson, the former Hollywood golden boy whose volatile temperament and less than advisable comments regarding anyone who goes against his questionable world views. Still Gibson is still and for the most part of his career has always been a highly watchable actor and it’s something he has clearly set out to remind us of once more here.
Opening with Driver (or atleast that’s what we assume his name to be especially as it’s only revealed in the credits) driving full speed towards the Mexican border, a dufflebag of cash and a clown dying of a gunshot wound in the backseat, as the gruff voice over of Driver suddenly kicking in to bring us up to speed, while confirming that we are not just watching the latest Gibson scandal.
After failing to Evel Knievel his car into Mexico, he now finds himself captured by the corrupt Mexican authorities, more than happy to relieve him of his loot, while also throwing him in a prison. Meanwhile mob boss Frank (Peter Stormare) is hot on his tail and willing to do anything to reclaim the loot for himself. Playing almost like a spiritual sequel to “Payback” Driver like Porter is a man who starts out with nothing, but soon manages to find a way to get exactly he needs, which is certainly made a lot easier by the prison he is sent to. Looking more like a replica of Tijuana’s El Pueblito and as such looks more like a slum than anything resembling the traditional idea of a prison, especially with the convicts being allowed to set up their own society within the walls of the prison complete with shops, restaurants and even a smack hut, as they provide a trade for everything the local population might need. Needless to say it’s only a matter of time before Driver has the prison sized up and is soon making plans to escape, by getting in with the prisons top dog Javi (Daniel Gimenez Cacho), while picking up an unlikely sidekick with an unnamed 10 year old (Kevin Hernandez) who while continually adding to his nicotine addiction is also plotting his own revenge against Javi.
A prison break slash revenge thriller, this film is hard to place in any one category, especially with the script playing loose and fast with the genre conventions, as Driver double crosses and blasts all who stand in his way, though compared to some of the criminal element in this prison he still seems almost saintly in comparison. Needless to say the plot plays out like a pulp crime novel, with the occasional burst of violence to shake things up.
Still if anything it has to be said that it is nice to see Gibson back to the sort of badass role which gave him his acting break to begin with and unquestionably the roles for which he is best remembered and it’s perhaps because of the current scandals which surround his name and in turn any mainstream project he is attached to, that Gibson has chosen to make a film which will appeal more to his core fanbase, who remember him more fondly for the likes of “Mad Max” and “Lethal Weapon”, than some of his more forgettable projects. To ensure maximum control Gibson also wrote and produced the film, while also promoting his assistant director of choice Adrain Grunberg whom he previous worked with on both “Apocalypto” and “Edge of Darkness” to the directors chair. As a result this has all the feel of being a pet project for Gibson, especially with the lead role only being designed to emphasise all of the qualities which made him so popular as an actor to begin with such as his mad blue eyes and effortless charisma.
For his first feature Grunberg shows great confidence in the director’s chair as he is clearly aiming for breathless dynamism, while painting the film in hot reds and oranges and ensuring that the sense of danger is never far away. However were the film really comes into its own is with it’s action sequences from it’s opening high speed car chase shot using old school effects to the slow motion prison shootout, which see’s Grunberg drawing inspiration from finale of Sam Peckinpah’s “The Wild Bunch”, as he ensures that each bullet wound and explosion is enjoyed to its fullest.
The supporting cast are all fun in their various roles with Hernandez getting the smart ass balance just right, so that he doesn’t become yet another annoying smartass teen and provides a suitable if slightly random sidekick. Meanwhile the Stormare is in his usual drug snorting criminal role and sadly doesn’t get a huge amount of screentime, but is still fun pulling out his usual performance for this kind of role, which he has spent most of his career playing. Cacho however it could be argued is far from the most threatening of bad guys, especially when he uses his henchmen to enforce his will on the other inmates as he lounges around in his bathrobe, but when it comes to playing the system he proves a worthy opponent to someone like Driver, especially with so many games being played, while convincingly also pulling off his much darker side.
Sadly with Gibson’s popularity being on a downward spiral it is set to be released via Video On Demand under the title “Get The Driver”, while his international fans will get to enjoy it in the cinema under its international title “How I Spent My Summer Vacation”. Still with a role in the forthcoming “Machete Kills” it would seem that this might not quite be the swansong to Gibson’s career which many critics have already begun to hail it as.
This started out as a funny conversation between myself and a friend. Then it turned into a post (like most things in my life)
Here’s what she has to say:
During fresh meat session the veterans of my league warned me about the unusual side effects of the sport, like the two-day gap before your legs seize up after endurance drills, explaining you have not been in a horrific accident when a co-worker sees the bruises from scrimmage on friday and the noxious concoction brewed by knee-sweat and neoprene. A few I discovered on my own, but No one warned me about this one.
Between derby and a degree my love life has taken a back seat so when I got a chance for lunch date with the boy, thanks to a dodgy lightbulb out of my reach, I jumped on it. So we get to the really fun bit and I discovered in the last few months working on my plough-stops I have developed muscles in unusual places. By putting a vulcan death grip on his manhood.
So mortified by my “vice like” (his words) lady regions I had to ask. Is this normal?
I didn’t have this problem, but I had the problem of having thighs so big I’d have to wear 3 sizes bigger then what fit my waist… which isn’t cute.
Did anyone else have any issues like this? Let us know
lol)
